Commitment issues

If there is no fear in love
Then why are we so scared of each other
Why don’t I want to be with you
Why don’t I want to be near you
Why does the very thought of you overwhelm me
Overwhelms me so much that I don’t want to think about you
About your existence
About your presence
But you must know darling, that I love you
I think I do.
I mean I ought to
But that frightens me too
I mean, what if I don’t.
What will you do if I don’t love you?
But I don’t want you to go
What if after you nobody comes
What if it’s not just you
And I am just this way
What if the next person comes
And I still feel the same
I still feel afraid

I’m back friends 歹

7 things I’m proud of myself for doing this 2020.

Disclaimer : This is unedited, kind of messy and boring. Enjoy!

1. Improving my handwriting : My handwriting has always been lit to be honest but this break, I did the impossible, I made my handwriting more beautiful. Okay seriously the thing is I kept writing and writing(cos I think better by writing) so I guess with all that ‘practice’ my writing just improved as well.

2. Not losing my dialect: So just before the whole covid situation I hadn’t been with my parents for more than about two months at most for a really long time. This was showing on my ability to speak our native language because they are literally the only ones I speak it with.

It wasn’t easy at first. I kept struggling to make complete sentences and when I failed I would eventually revert back to English. I could almost feel my dad face-palming internally when I did this. Luckily I made it and I may not be an expert but hopefully I’ll be able to pass it to my kids.

3.Upping my Semo and Amala game: yeah that’s right, I learned how to perfectly (okay maybe not perfectly) make Semo and Amala I actually hate these foods so this talent is kind of useless but at least my parents like it so maybe not a complete waste.

4.Became a podcast person : So I found a lot of new interests and one of them is listening to podcasts. Honestly I don’t listen to that many but so far my favorite is definitely No Stupid Questions by freakonomics radio.

5. Designed a bit, enjoyed it: This is kind of a long story, but the short version is somewhere along the way, I found canva and fell in love with making designs and I have a few good ones tbh.

6. Read more books : reading is without a doubt one of my biggest hobbies and I’m really glad I got to do more of it with all the spare time I had. I’m not sure but I think Ive read at least 30 books this year(may not have finished all though ) .

7. UTTERLY : So I actually started this blog last year cos I wanted to write more and tell stories. Last year I had 2 followers now I have 40, I had about 36 views last year , this year I have close to 1000 from so many different beautiful countries. I’m really proud of this and glad it happened and I’m glad you reading this are a part of that.

So this was supposed to be longer and better written but I’m kind of sick and kind of have other things to do in a very short space of time. But anyways, these were the little things that made me happy and even proud in 2020.

Thanks for reading friends. Wishing you a happy new year 歹

Thoughts and Stuff : Heyaa!

Hello there! So rumor has it, I abandoned WordPress for Medium. Lies all lies. I mean I did try writing there and I did enjoy it but I’m back home to my baby.

So anyways, remember when I said I would follow the schedule, we’ll I’m sorry guys I tried but I guess fate is against me being a regular blogger. So I’ll just have to scrap the schedule and write what I want to write when I want to write it(which sadly may not that often).

Hope you guys can forgive me. So I’m still doing the series Unfixable but this week there was no entry due to some personal issues and by that I mean my mom got sick and I had to take care of her and now I’m sick.

Anyways, the year is almost over and I have a ton of things I want to write of which I will ensure I publish before 2021. So at least I can make up for lost time.

That’s about that on that but I also, just want to say thank you for being here. You have made 2020 remarkable different. Thank you 歹.

Good Looking

Here I am
Looking my best
Dressing to impress
Best dressed. Ah yes

They said this was how to get your attention
Sometimes beauty is pain I forgot to mention
But who cares if I’m going to leave an impression

You smile, you wave,
you compliment
You like my braids, you love my scent

You don’t stop there
No you come near
And then you whisper in my ear
‘There’s an empty room and I know where’

But that’s not what I wanted
But that’s not what I wanted.


Unfixable : Prologue cont’d

My mother deciding to keep an unwanted pregnancy was not the easiest decision to make and the repercussions were even worse. The concept of an unmarried woman with a bulging belly doesn’t exactly sit well with Africans especially those who know you. Nobody wants to know how you got it or who gave it to you. All they care about is the fact that you’re unmarried. Because that tells them something about you. Something bad.

So you could guess that things were horrible for my mother. First it was her workplace, where people assumed the worst. I mean, she couldn’t just go around telling people she’d been raped so they probably figured she’d been some rich man’s mistress. There was a lot of gossip and snobbery but soon service year was over and mom was back home.

Mom’s aunt, Aunty Yetunde found it very hard to accept the fact that my mother was keeping this pregnancy. She couldn’t understand and for a while she stopped talking to her. All mom had left was her sister, Sade.

I was born June 3rd, and as soon as I was a month old, mom started looking for a job. She was hardworking and resilient and it didn’t take too long for her to get a job and move us to a flat (she’d been living with her sister before then) .

I vaguely remember life with my mother but I know I spent the first five years of my life with her. And I remember the feeling of her being the center of my world, and I being the center of hers. There was no husband, no father-figure, no man. There was just us and we loved each other. We didn’t have a lot really, but then again, we didn’t really need a lot.

And then it happened again. My mom got sick, of all things. Tuberculosis. She got worse and worse and well… I saw less and less of her. Her sister Sade, came to take me with her when mom got hospitalised. I don’t remember when exactly it happened, I just know my 5th birthday was not too far away. And I remember Aunty Sade crying a lot, rolling on the floor, neighbors holding her and taking me away. And I just knew.

My mother died July 25th 2 weeks to my birthday.

And that is where my story begins…

Stay tuned…

Monday Marshals Dominate! Ending the year on a productive note?

Hello darling Marshals, it’s Monday again and we are now more than ever approaching the end of the horror story that is known as 2020, and though it’s been quite a year, if all you did was make it out alive, then you did good fam.

But heyy, the year isn’t over and there’s still a whole bunch of stuff that you can do before it is, to at least clear your conscience of any unproductivity guilt. So without further ado, I present to a few quips on ending the year productively.

Review the year: so you might wanna just go over the year and think about what it’s meant to you, your growth, your failures, your good times and bad. This will help you assess yourself and hopefully learn from past mistakes. You can do this inform of Journaling, blogging etc

Reach out : Maybe there’s a bunch of people you haven’t spoken to in a while, people you care about but have been too busy to talk to. Don’t let 2020 go by without just saying hi, something that has proved really valuable this year is human connection especially beyond the physical. Don’t take that for granted okay?

Plan ahead: So one of the major benefits of reviewing a year is definitely being able to make changes and navigate your future from those observations and changes. Draw out your aspirations and goals for the next year. What would you like to accomplish? What would you want to become? Put it all down.

Don’t Delay: A very big temptation that comes with the close of a day, week or month, is the temptation to just postpone your goals till the new period because this is somehow believed to be more auspicious. Don’t do that okay? If there’s something you want to do, do it now. You don’t need to wait for January, just start now. The trick is realizing that when you start doesn’t make any difference and what’s most important is that you do in fact do what you want to.

且e grateful : Yeah its been a tough year for humankind but hey, it’s not the end. And so it’s important to give thanks to God for his mercy and goodness thus far. An attitude of gratitude is immensely productive as it gives you the right mindset with which, you can do anything.

So that’s it for now guys. Talk to you soon ! 歹

Thoughts and stuff: what’s going on??

Hello there! It’s been a while no?
You missed me? Well, I missed you too
So anyways the important question to answer is probably where have I been? What have I been up to? Why haven’t I been writing?(and if you really like me) What’s up with me?
So where would I begin? Man, it’s been silly. Basically, I’ve been home just chillin’ but at the same time I’ve been kinda occupied.

So recently this engagement came up out of nowhere, that required like a whole chunk of my time and devotion and I was kinda on that for weeks, but it’s passed now, it went well and my life has been pretty much back to normal.
But while I was busy with this engagement I didn’t really have the time for my other priorities and so that keeps coming back to haunt me so this is like one of the reasons, I haven’t had time to write so much.

Asides this really good excuse, I must confess I’ve really just been lazy; wasting time on the internet and stuff I’m afraid.
The sad thing is I’ve totally screwed up what was to be my writing schedule for this blog. Honestly, I don’t think I ever really followed it for once lol. But funny as that is, I don’t want to scrap it. I still want to try. Sure writing everyday is stressful and it’s more likely that I miss out on some days than publish blog posts consistently but it’s worth the shot.

So what’s up with me? I don’t know guys I’m a little confused these days. I just feel like I need to be alone away from everyone else, to just assess things; my life, my values. Et al.
I don’t know guys it’s all a little unclear right now and I’m a little uninspired.
But the thing is I feel like I’m a lot more calm in my emotions, there’s a lot less anxiety and ‘self-pressure’ to get stuff done but still…

Anyways, there’s a lot to do and if I let myself, a lot of beautiful opportunities to be grabbed, the problem is usually that I’m holding myself back but I think I’ve learned especially in recent times how to just let go.

So guys updates: next week we pick up with the schedule see where it takes us at least till the end of 2020,
Don’t miss out on the new blog series I started titled : ‘Unfixable ; a girl called Resilience‘ it continues this Tuesday.

That’s all for now my darlings, see you in a flash歹

Unfixable: PROLOGUE

Once upon a time, there was this girl, her name was Remi. But this story isnt about her, its about me but since shes my mother you need to know a little bit about her story if youre going to understand me and I want you to.

So back to Remi, her father was a civil servant in the ministry of health and her mother was a Olevel certificate holder who married young and became a retail trader instead of furthering her education because her husband wanted her too, and not being too bright herself she didnt particularly care for a degree but she wanted it more than anything for her two daughters Remi and Sade.

You see this family learned pretty early on, that all the annoying clich矇s about suffering like when it rains, it pours are actually true to a large extent.

It started with the car accident, something involving a tanker losing control or something like that; no one really knows the accurate details. But both of Remis parents were killed and she and her sister quickly became orphans.

But their fathers younger sister aunty Yetunde took them in, and saw them through secondary school even to the university. She was a reasonably kind woman but not much for smiling or talking too often but it didnt matter she took them as her own (of course it did help that she didnt actually have any children of her own).

Well as the years went by, Remi and Sade found themselves accomplishing their mothers dream of both being university graduates with Remi graduating with a second class upper in accountancy and Sade in her second year of studying nursing.

So this is where the story really begins. Mom (previously addressed as Remi) gets posted to north central Nigeria which is miles away from Lagos where she was raised. But shes excited because well吉YSC tends to get people excited. She gets everything ready and she leaves.

Two months into service, its not really what she expects but then again it never is. But shes in her place of duty and shes started on a good note, shes hardworking and everybody likes her. Life is good.

Then it happens; the one thing that destroys her life and gives mine. One night on her way back home, she is caught off guard by some hoodlums and shes raped. This is another story nobody knows the exact details of because she never spoke about it much to anyone.

Well, the resulting effect was an unplanned pregnancy with me. Mom had the option of aborting me and naturally a lot of people would have. But for some strange reason, she didnt. She kind of messed life up for both of us when she decided not to. But looking back, Im thankful she didnt.



Hello there! As you know, Wednesdays are all about books but seeing as Im not really in a book review mood, I decided to do something fun instead; Find the next book that will enjoy the privilege of my time, care and love. And honestly, there are a lot of contenders. Hopefully you can help me a decision so without further ado, here are the contestants!

  • DEEP WORK by Cal Newport: So this book has literally been on my to-read list since the beginning of this year. Its on my 2020 reading list. I think it talks about how to focus and get stuff done two things I absolutely do not excel at.
  • THINKING LIKE A LAWYER (cant remember author): Okay. So why do I want to read this book? Well you see, like I explained to you in a previous post, I recently got really hyped about law and well, I have been interested in learning more about how to be a good law student and subsequently lawyer but my major peeve with these kind of books is in terms of practical application like how do I know I wont just like forget what I read later on.
  • THE ABOLITION OF MAN by C. S. LEWIS: If you know me personally, and like really know me, you know I am a C. S. Lewis stan for all time. And so when another author, Nick J. McBride (author of Letters to a law student) recommended this book, I was like; totally! Besides Ive been feeling slow lately in my brain and who better to pace me up to speed than the legend himself. But the problem seems to be time. Note that this is not Christian, unlike most of Lewiss work. I believe it is based on the problems with the education system and how they can be solved but I trust as usual it is complexly written and so it requires a great deal of concentration(at least for me anyways).
  • DISCIPLINES OF A GODLY WOMAN: So this is another great book its a Christian book and I pretty much think the name says it all. To be honest, I havent read a Christian book in a while and so I could use one like this right now but I really Im not sure yet.

So thats it guys, well off course there are more but lets limit it to these few for now. Please let me know in comments what book you think I ought to start immediately.

Thanks friends, see you next time.

P.S. sorry for the late post guys. I’ve been sorting a few things out bear with me ;).

The dream

Pretty girl, I didnt know you were here. He said smiling and approaching her. She looked up at him where else would I be?

Do you like it here?

She shrugged, I dont really care. Its beautiful but its beauty is wasted on me. I can never know peace.

Who told you that? He asked with a baffled look on his face. She shrugged again I just know.

Beautiful girl, peace is right in front of you. You must only reach out and hold it.

She shook her head and turned away from him,

No! I know its a lie. Dont lie to me, dont disappoint me again. She continued shaking her head furiously.

No beautiful one, I would never lie to you. He touched her arm.

She awoke.

This dream again.

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